Thinking Out Loud

Eating lunch in peace…that is rare these days. James and I went to church this morning which means that his morning nap didn’t happen. He was more than ready for a nap when we got home and is now sleeping soundly. I just finished a quiet lunch of avocado toast with eggs. As I look at the picture of it I’m like, “ok what happened to the eggs? and why so much hot sauce?” It was a little bit of a hot mess, but tasted good none the less.

I have been blogging for almost two weeks now and I absolutely love it. It is painful, rewarding, frustrating, and fun all at the same time. But I don’t really know where I’m going with it. I don’t have a lot of readers, which is fine, and thank you to everyone who is following along! I think I need to step up my social media game which terrifies me. I am afraid of putting myself out there and the hurt and rejection that may come. There could also be a lot of good that comes out of gaining readership too though.

Where do I want this blog to go though? What are my strengths? What are people interested in reading? I feel like I don’t have a lot to offer the world right now. I am a mom to a one year old. My marriage feels a little broken, my thoughts feel a little broken, and I feel like I’m not worthy enough of people’s time to stop by and read this blog.

I am a people pleaser by nature and that is a hard world to live in. I know deep down that I cannot and will not make everyone happy. I know that there will be people that disagree with my beliefs and values. So I am writing this post for myself as encouragement. To keep going. To write even when the content is seemingly invaluable. My husband Josiah always encourages me to “just write” and that’s what I’m going to do.

I’m trying to figure out where the line is. I want to share all of my life with you guys an quite honestly, why keep it private? For me to share means that I am keeping it from being buried inside of me, burdening my soul. So should I share it all? I mean at the end of the day my life is not mine anyway, I have given it to Christ and I am doing my best to walk with the holy spirit inside of me. So I hope that by sharing my life I am lifting up Christ in the process.

In complete transparency, my marriage has been up in flames this weekend and I will take the blame. I have always been the type of person to get stressed out when there is no plan in life or when plans change at the last minute. I like to know what lies ahead and prepare for the future as much as possible. Long story short, plans changed last night and I didn’t handle it well. Looking back I wish that I had just gone with the flow and it is something that I am going to continue to challenge myself to do.

I would love to paint the picture of a perfect life here on this blog. I would love to share photos of my husband and I embracing each other with smiles on our faces, and James beaming with joy in every moment of his life. But let me tell y’all, that is not the reality around here. And I am not aways ok with that. I gain confidence each day in God when I see him answer my prayers in big ways and when He shows me the other side of the difficult times. I hate dealing with conflict, I hate sitting in uncomfortable moments in life, but I live with the hope of eternal life with Christ in Heaven where none of this pain and tears and heartbreak with exist.

My husband preached a wonderful sermon today about working out your salvation with fear and trembling. I actually wrote about the verses that he preached on in my Philippians Chapter 2 summary. Salvation is a gift that was given to us by the grace of God, but what we choose to do with that gift is up to us. Are we going to be “lounging lizards” as Josiah so humorously worded it today or are we going to actively walk with God? I am choosing to actively walk with the Lord, even when it is hard, even when I want to quit, even when He doesn’t answer my prayers the way I want him to. Philippians 2:13 “for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.” Amen!

Author:

Hi I'm Rae and I am a pastor's wife and mom to our one year old son James. I recently started blogging as a way to share my recovery journey from an eating disorder, as well as married life, motherhood, food, and faith. Hop along for the ride, Iโ€™m glad youโ€™re here!

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