Ugh, I don’t want to write this post and I definitely don’t want to publish it. But God is calling me to be open. So here I am, the worst of me. I am getting help today. I have hit rock bottom, yelled at God, hurt my marriage, and I can feel myself failing as a mom. The one area that I’ve been hanging on to the tightest. Motherhood. Showing up for James every day with a smile on my face and a positive attitude. But yesterday morning when I couldn’t even do that, I made a phone call. I am going to my primary care doctor today, he knows me very well and as much anxiety I feel about telling him what’s going on, I am doing it.
My pride is getting in the way. One of the reasons why I am struggling to tell anyone how I am feeling is because I am prideful. I have an image that I want to maintain, I don’t want to expose the brokenness inside of me. I don’t want to admit my failures, or at least what I consider to be failing. My mental health is suffering more than I have control over at this point, my marriage feels like it is on slippery slopes, and this is all seeping into my role as a mother to James. I could come up with a million excuses in the world that don’t have anything to do with me, the pandemic, being newlywed, motherhood, too many big life changes at once, etc., for why I have hit the bottom, but it boils down to my mental health and resilience. I hate it. I hate needing help. I hate feeling selfish. I hate my pride. I hate that I have to deal with this.
We are all faced with something in our lives, the difficulties in life are never going to go away. I just can’t cope with the challenges of daily life in a healthy way. I have tried so many things, and I have resisted the phone call to my doctor in every way. I will preach day in and day out that God is the miracle worker, and I am going to believe that until the day I die. But I am having a hard time figuring out why God Himself is not the answer right now. Why is He not performing a miracle in my life right this minute. Why have I spent a good part of the past weekend being so mad at Him, and watching my faith unravel. It is all part of the brokenness.
I am not running away from God (although sometimes it feels like I am), rather I am desperately seeking His wisdom and guidance more than ever before. And right now I feel called to turn to the medical field. As Christians we are ingrained with the belief that Jesus is the answer to everything, and He is. I am navigating through the confusion of trying to piece together my faith while getting my mental health to a place of stability. But through this God has already shown me that He is at work, and connected me to help that only He could provide. He is my rock, and I will trust that this suffering I am experiencing is all part of His greater plan for my life.
As I was working through my devotional yesterday morning, one of the verses that I came across was Luke 1:78-79 and it is my living hope right now, it says “because of the tender mercy of our God, whereby the sunrise shall visit us from on high to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace”. To meditate on those verses, to feel like it is God speaking directly to me right now as I sit in the darkness, to know that if I just listen to His voice He will guide my feet despite the darkness surrounding me, to a place of peace, His peace, protected from the enemy’s attacks, living in perfect harmony with God, and letting go of the pain that I hold and replacing it with His love.
I am sharing this post because it is the easiest way for me to communicate. I have a hard time opening up to others and it is something that I want to work on. But for now, writing is my therapy. Writing is my way of sharing who I am behind a smile. Writing exposes parts of me that I absolutely hate, but know that it’s better to get all of this out rather than keep in. There is a long road ahead, but I will continue to share this journey with you. Thank you for following along!