And things are pretty good right now. James and I are home from our beach vacation and we’re settling back in to everyday life. We had a seamless day of travel yesterday and were greeted by Josiah at the airport with so much love and kindness. He hung up a sign and posted sticky notes all over the apartment with sweet messages on them. James was happy to be reunited with dad, and more importantly his stuffed animals! My heart is happy and I feel content.
But things aren’t always going to be good. And when things are bad, life tends to suck. I know there are hard moments looming on the horizon and I feel like I will collapse in the slightest valley right now. I’m trying to navigate this situation. God. He really is the answer. No matter what happens here on earth, it cannot change our eternal lives in heaven promised to us by God. Heaven will be protected from all of the things I dread on this earth.
It is difficult to see all of the goodness promised to us by God when we are in those dark moments. But He is there. I can usually feel God closest to me in moments of despair, yet I tend to push Him away. I can’t always see the good in every situation. I’d like to be able to rest my entire being on the truth of God, but I don’t always.
I feel like I need to write these words today for anyone else who may be going through something good, bad, happy or sad. Because some days are great and you feel invisible and other days feel like garbage and you just want to crawl out of your skin and escape to a different reality. I’m feeling good in this moment but that doesn’t mean that the rest of the day is going to go perfectly well, and who knows what tomorrow will bring.
It kind of stinks to live this way. I guess it makes me feel like an emotional rollercoaster. But maybe we’re all on emotional rides of some kind. Our feelings change all of the time. I know there are people that are a lot more resilient than me, and I admire that quality. My therapist mentioned resilience the other day as one of the outcomes of my year long therapy program, and I’m looking forward to that goal. I’m trying to figure out the line between normal emotional fluctuations, and emotions that signal red flags. I don’t know where that line is.
In this moment I am waiting. I never know how I will handle the next challenge that God will give me, the next test of my faith. These days, it’s really scary to be in the waiting period. Scary because the bad’s have been REALLY bad. I guess you could say that I am living in a constant state of anxiety, fearing my own reactions in life. That sounds so blah, but it’s true. I’m scared for my husband and son as well. Not that I would ever do anything to hurt them, but my emotional state hurts them sometimes. I don’t want to, but it’s just an area of my life that feels out of my control right now.
While I soak in the good feelings, I am also preparing for (and dreading) the next “thing”. The next time the demands of motherhood get the best of me, the next sickness that catches me off guard, medical bills that are higher than we can afford, feelings of failure, etc. How will I react? Will I be resilient when life gets hard or will I collapse? Honestly, I will probably collapse, but hopefully by the end of the year I can say with confidence that I can get through anything with the power of God and the holy spirit inside of me. I know these things, I just don’t know how to access them.
Psalm 112:7-8 “They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord. Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear; in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.”
Through it all, God’s light shines through.