When You Want It All

I just want to be able to do everything and have it all. Not material items necessarily, although if I think about it hard enough I could certainly come up with a list. I’m thinking more in the sense of wanting to be two places at once.

I love being a full-time mom, but it can get boring along with a whole lot of other things. Challenging in terms of coming up with fun activities to do. Exhausting because you have a tiny human looking up at you all day waiting for what’s next. Lonely because the conversations are always one sided. Repetitive because you are doing the exact same thing 7 days a week.

I want to live in all of those mom moments, but I also want to be somewhere else. Interacting with people, stimulating my mind in new ways, stretching my creativity (thank you blogging), and I hate to say it but earning some kind of income.

As I have mentioned before, we currently live close to family and friends. I am so happy here. But there is an adventurer inside of me that wants to get out and explore the world. I don’t want to be confined to one geographic location for the rest of my life. But it’s not feasible to pack up and move a family at the drop of a dime.

So what’s next? That is the question I am always asking myself. I tend to be a restless person. Goal driven. And when it feels like there is no goal in sight I feel anxious. I try to reframe my thoughts to focus on the here and now, but in all of the uncomfortable moments (and there are a lot of them) my mind starts to race.

I feel stuck. It’s hard to sit in this mindset of being fulfilled in motherhood but also feeling empty. To love where you are, but to crave new places and experiences. I do not know where God wants me in this moment and I am probably not spending enough time in His Word or prayer in order to figure it out. I want all of the answers from God without putting any time or effort into the relationship. My good friend Lauren has recently inspired me to think about my time with the Lord. I want to grow in my relationship with God and trust that His plan will come as a result. This will require time. But we are human and there are a whole lot of distractions in the world.

This feels like an uncomfortable moment. Not knowing the direction of this blog post and not being able to conclude with a clear resolution. I know there’s hope out there. I know that the Lord holds all of the answers that I am seeking. I feel Him testing my patience and strengthening my faith. As He exhibits upmost patience for me, waiting for me to rest my soul on His promises and seek Him first and in all things.

I will continue to resist. I know myself, and I will not just magically be obedient to God or give Him all that He’s looking for from me. I will continue to grab the steering wheel of my life from Him. I will come up with a list of things that need to get done before I can pray or read. But I can feel His call. I can feel His love. And I know that He will be there waiting with open arms when I come running.

Colossians 1:11-12 “May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share the inheritance of the saints in light”

Galatians 1:10 “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Author:

Hi I'm Rae and I am a pastor's wife and mom to our one year old son James. I recently started blogging as a way to share my recovery journey from an eating disorder, as well as married life, motherhood, food, and faith. Hop along for the ride, I’m glad you’re here!

2 thoughts on “When You Want It All

  1. I definitely relate to the uncertainty of not knowing what’s next and the confusion that comes from finding joy in current circumstances but wanting something more at the same time. And it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who feels like they’re fighting against themselves as they’re working on their relationship with God! Thank you for sharing Rae!

    Liked by 1 person

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