Happy Tuesday evening everyone! I meant to publish this post earlier in the day, but had technical difficulties. I thought that the post had disappeared into thin air at one point! But then it reappeared, woohoo!
I feel like I haven’t been checking in as much and I’m kind of beating myself up over it. I tend to be my worst critic (aren’t we all), and I started this blog as a fun creative outlet for myself. As things usually go for me, the blog has turned into more of an obligation rather than a fun outlet, and I find myself feeling pressured to publish a certain number of posts every week, come up with better content, etc. I don’t want to lose the joy in writing this blog so I’m trying to give myself some grace and allow myself to write spontaneously without a set writing schedule, and write freely about whatever is on my mind rather than focusing on producing quality content.
Motherhood has been all consuming lately. I realize I only have one baby to care for and therefore I do have a decent amount of free time compared to those juggling multiple kids. But a lot of afternoons while James is napping I find myself prepping dinner and staying busy with other chores. I don’t handle boredom well, and I feel the need to stay busy at all times. Deep down I find myself craving rest. It is a lot to chase after a toddler all day, especially since we have quickly transitioned from multiple naps a day to only one. This means there’s only one chance for me to catch up and take a breather myself.
I am currently reading a book that my therapist recommended to me, it’s called “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me”. It’s all about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and while I do not meet enough criteria for a diagnosis of BPD I do carry a lot of the same personality traits as someone with BPD. My husband was in my therapy session the other day and being the book lover he is, he asked my therapist for book recommendations. Sure enough he quickly ordered this book from Amazon after she recommended it, and I’ve found myself enjoying it a lot.
Not only does it help me to understand some of my own personality traits, but it has taught me a lot about motherhood and childhood development. It has opened my eyes to cultural shifts, and their impact on the development of BPD and other mental health disorders, including the shift that women have experienced in the past couple of decades which has placed significantly greater pressure women (especially moms) than ever before. The book talks about the changing roles of women over the years including the fact that women used to predominantly carry the role of housewife and mother with no added pressure of external work besides voluntary.
Currently many moms, and families in general are put in a difficult situation. Women were able to stay home and take care of the children and household chores because having a single income was enough to have a decent standard of living. These days, many families are forced to rely on two incomes which often comes at the expense of women trying to juggle not only the household chores and childcare, but also a part or full-time job on top of that. I realize that during this shift, men’s roles have changed as well and they are no longer purely responsible for earning an income, but it is the women that are dealing with the majority of the impact when it comes to adding children into the mix.
All of this to say, it has made me think a lot about my role as a wife and mother. I am almost always feeling guilty about not doing “enough”, whatever that means. I have negative internal thoughts towards myself about not earning an income, or being able to juggle it all like some moms can. I seriously admire those moms that can work a full time job, raise kids, and accomplish the daily demands of life. I don’t think I could do it, nor do I want to. But I feel the pressure of our current culture which says that we have to do it all, and make it look easy at the same time.
Motherhood is the most rewarding incredible experience I’ve ever lived, but it is also exhausting and challenging in ways I could have never imagined. When I find myself racing through the day, I often try and stop to cherish the small moments that are fleeting faster than I can even process. I still don’t know if there is a career out there for me, but I am trying to be patient. James will be an independent adult before I know it, and who knows what will be in store for me then. In the meantime, I love the life I am living and I am blessed to be a full time wife and mom. Most days are a total mess, but it’s a beautiful one (or so I tell myself, haha).
For anyone out there struggling to find worth and meaning in your own life, trust that the Lord has you right where you are meant to be and that you will ALWAYS be enough for Him.
Proverbs 16:1-3 “The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit. Commit your work to the Lord and your plans will be established”