Recovery

Below you will find posts related to my recovery journey from an eating disorder, exercise addition, and hypothalamic amenorrhea. But first, here’s a glance into where I’m at currently.

I’m having a hard time knowing where to begin with this page. In fact, I’m tearing up as I type these words because reflecting on the word “recovery” and what that means to me unleashes a whole lot of buried emotions. I find it easy to put a smile on my face and act like I am a carefree happy person most of the time. The dialogue going on in my mind is a different story. Sharing the person behind the smile is incredibly frightening. I don’t like the eating disorder, exercise obsessed, beat myself up side of Rae. In fact, I hate it. I don’t want to face that side of me, I don’t want to talk about it. I want it to stay buried deep down and never come out. I would much rather live in the happy, carefree, laughing world that I portray to a lot of people. But that gosh darn eating disorder voice just won’t leave me alone sometimes, and it has way too much control over my life still to this day.

I never would have thought that when I first developed an eating disorder over 15 years ago that it would still be haunting me to this day. I am forcing myself, and I mean dragging my feet kicking and screaming on the inside, to share my story, the struggles, and the recovery process. God has called me to start this blog as a way to not only share His glory, but to share who I am and how He is working in me to bring healing to my mind and body. I don’t wish an eating disorder on anyone, but if you are someone who is faced with an eating disorder or really any battle in life, know that you are not alone and that you do not need to be strong enough to get through it on your own. There is someone who is willing to carry the entire weight of everything you are burdened with and his name is Jesus.

I say all of this and it sounds so amazing, but believe me I struggle to lift my burdens up to God. I have a hard time letting God be in control. I often fail to believe that He truly can heal my mind and body. A mind that feels twisted up with lies about my self worth, and consumed with constant eating disorder thoughts, overanalyzing every move I make. It is always easier to tell yourself the truth, but fully believing it and trusting in it is a whole other story. It is going to require me to go against everything I have been practicing for 15+ years, AKA smiling through the pain and burying the the parts about myself that I wish weren’t there. But I am going to do it for the sake of challenging myself to sift through all of the dirt and discover the healing that only Christ can offer. I would love for you to join me in this recovery process, especially if you are faced with a challenge that seems overwhelming right now. Life is hard, let’s do it together!

How I’m Really Feeling

Real talk, life is hard lately. I would much rather blog about fun things, but God is placing it on my heart to uncover some of the more difficult emotions right now. Josiah and I want another baby but I still haven’t gotten my period back from giving birth to James over a year ago. […]

Reframing to Thoughts of Gratitude

James just got into trouble in the bathroom and I sat there passively watching him. That’s where my mom motivation is at the moment. My mind wants to go to a place of criticism for not disciplining James as well as other mom’s, and questioning why I even let him get into the bathroom in […]

The History of An Eating Disorder

Ok, so I am about to go to the other end of the spectrum compared to my lighthearted vacation recaps. But I want to get it out on the table early on in my blog so here we go. As much as I hate to admit it, dealing with an eating disorder has been a […]

What Recovery Looks Like Today

Hello again everyone, I am doing back to back posts tonight as a mini series on eating disorder recovery. So here is the currently edition of the series which will briefly cover what recovery means to me, how my lifestyle has changed recently, and where I intend to go. What does recovery mean to me? […]

I’m Getting Help

Ugh, I don’t want to write this post and I definitely don’t want to publish it. But God is calling me to be open. So here I am, the worst of me. I am getting help today. I have hit rock bottom, yelled at God, hurt my marriage, and I can feel myself failing as […]

I Got Accepted!

As a patient of a Psychiatric High Risk Program! So yeah… there’s that. Not exactly the acceptance letter you’d like to receive from a prestigious university or a dream job at an amazing company. But that’s where I’m at and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Which is probably why a large part […]

When Things are Good, Life Feels Great

And things are pretty good right now. James and I are home from our beach vacation and we’re settling back in to everyday life. We had a seamless day of travel yesterday and were greeted by Josiah at the airport with so much love and kindness. He hung up a sign and posted sticky notes […]

Identifying Your Feelings

Ooph, what a way to start a week. But, let’s talk about it anyway. First and foremost, how was everyone’s weekend? We had a fun one over here! My sister was in town from NYC and Saturday was spent with her and my family running all over town. We did the farmers market, playground, main […]

Thoughts on Motherhood and Life Lately

Happy Tuesday evening everyone! I meant to publish this post earlier in the day, but had technical difficulties. I thought that the post had disappeared into thin air at one point! But then it reappeared, woohoo! I feel like I haven’t been checking in as much and I’m kind of beating myself up over it. […]